When I think back to my childhood there isn’t a moment where books weren’t a part of my life. My parents weren’t and still aren’t readers at all and were never really interested in picking up reading. So when I was a kid and begged to go to the library or go to Barnes and Noble they were confused but proud. Growing up with the love of reading and loving being around books shaped me into an avid reader and appreciator of literature. 

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During my elementary school years, I began to further explore the world of literature and venture into different stories. My best friend at the time started introducing me to the world of fiction and fantasy which only further established my love for reading. As well, in elementary school, I began to become fond of the creative writing activities we had. One of my most proud memories of myself as a child was that I wrote this Halloween short story that was filled with suspense and it left off on a cliffhanger. I was so proud of this piece because my teacher told me how good it was, but that it was too proficient for the assignment which was supposed to be a quick short story with a definite ending. Even as a child I was an overachiever and remember all the times when I went above and beyond on writing assignments to prove to myself that I was a good writer. I would come home every day with the side of my hand covered in 0.7 lead because of how much I wrote in class. Having grown up reading and truly enjoying it gave me an advantage in my English classes because It allowed me to excel in those particular classes. Also, another advantage of mine was that History and English were two of my favorite subjects and both included a lot of reading, which I was fond of. 

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Moving into middle school I was excited to see what new genres of books I’d be introduced to, but actually, I found myself disliking reading for the first time. My middle school made reading the biggest chore because we had to read for points, but there was a limited selection of books you could read. Limiting my reading and not being able to read what I wanted made me push away from reading. During this time I felt myself struggle more than I had before and it didn’t help that I began to compare myself to my peers. I always felt like my writing wasn’t as good as others and I felt like an outsider. In middle school and high school, we measured our reading level by Lexile, which we took a test to determine. I recall everyone asking each other for their Lexile scores to try and find the highest one and I always felt disappointed in myself after seeing others' scores. So not only was I comparing my writing to my peers, but I was comparing my reading with others which took a negative toll on my self-confidence. 

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Going into high school I stopped comparing my essays or Lexile scores with others because I realized how damaging that was. During this time I also began to avidly read again and the combination of not comparing myself and getting back into reading dramatically changed the way I was performing in my English classes. Now that I wasn’t comparing my essay to others I felt like I could trust my writing skills, instead of trying to write like others. Writing essays that were not influenced by anyone else’s writing made me feel like an insider because most of the time I received one of the highest grades and the work was 100% accurate to me and my writing style. Getting back into reading also had a huge impact on my Lexile scores because I was finally seeing them grow and get to the level I always wanted them to be at.   

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The article “Insiders and Outsiders” by Sheila Tobias speaks on the education system and how students either feel like an insider or outsiders in their academics. I related to the topic of making mistakes and struggling because our current school system values success and does not address struggles/failures. I connected to this specifically because not all subjects come easy to me and I feel that if teachers were to give credit to the struggles students face in their academics then we’d have a more self-aware school environment. “We teachers know that control does not derive from knowing everything or immediately coming up with the right answer. It is there when we believe we can figure our way out of mistakes or through difficulties that arise in the course of our work” (Tobias, Sheila). It seems that teachers know that not getting the right answer right away is okay and a part of the learning process, yet only praise students when they get the answer right away. As someone who takes their time in fully understanding a concept I always felt left behind (outsider) when the only people being praised were the ones who grasped the concept the quickest. In reality, the struggle of learning a new concept is the best way to learn and it should be acknowledged more.